F. Your Family

When we are born into our famiy, we know nothing else. There is no point of comparison. We are immersed in this culture from when we enter the body of our mother. From that first moment, we are literally stewing in that original culture at such a slow simmer that it penetrates way deep down into our bones. There isn't even a thought to question any of what's going on behind closed doors. It is simply the way it is. The way it's always been.

But, when you're a cycle breaker–like I know that you are–you're here to change how we play the game, not just keep playing by someone else's rules. Especially if those rules are diminishing, divisive, and abusive. (The stakes feel even higher if you're a Mama and you already have children and you want to stop the perpetuation of this cycle of abuse.) At times, I still feel the pull to repeat the patterns of that original culture, and it's been years of conscious work to burn out this old patterning. That's how strong are the ties that bind us.

Before we start alienating, demonizing, and shaming on our parents and ancestors, let's get one thing crystal clear:

They did the best they could at the time.

Want to know how I know that is absolutely true no matter how awful it may have been? Better yet, want to test this hypothesis yourself?

Check in with your own parenting. Rewind to a moment where you felt triggered by something your child did. Maybe it was a giant mess on your brand new couch after you've told them endlessly to only eat in the kitchen. Maybe it was when your toddler looked at you defiantly and threw all your folded laundry out of the basket. Maybe it was a time you were sick, and just about any request from anyone would have set you off.

In that hard moment, what was your response/reaction?

(There is no wrong answer. It's just where you are right now, so please please please don't shame yourself on top of it. We need you to stop abandoning yourself.)

Whatever your response, I'm sure you didn't possess the capability to respond/react in a better way than what you did. How?

1.) Because I know for sure that you love your children fiercely.

2.) So, I know that if you could have responded more effectively, more kindly, more peacefully....that you would have.

Are you doing your best? Of course, you one-thousand-percent-are. You LOVE your children with all of your being. And, you're a human. If you could do better, you would. (And when you can, you will.)

So, that's how I know that your parents loved you. I promise they did/they do...even if they really, really hurt you. Even if you continue to feel hurt by them today.

When we skip this vital self-pity step altogether, we often force and feign forgiveness when, in our hearts, we don't actually forgive anyone. Forgiveness can't be forced. It's a miracle that drops in without our striving. We're just pretending that we're over it, that we've moved on, because that's what we have been taught that we're supposed to do, what we should do, what you have to do when you're a good girl, a good person.

When we go through the motions without the miracle of true forgiveness, we still have unresolved grief and sadness and anger and rage at what happened, and now, to top it off, we've also betrayed ourselves.

To move through it, we need to allow it all to come up to be seen and felt. "The Tao of Feeling Fully" by Pete Walker is one of the most influential books I've read, and he offers a really clear–and very unpopular opinion by your cult leaders–perspective on the dysfunctional family:

"Many adult children are so indoctrinated in their cult’s way of thinking and behaving that they never break free and claim their own unique individuality. Although they may move out of the family compound, they maintain a lifelong allegiance to their cold no matter how hostile its leaders are to their well-being. Over and over, I see adult children in protracted subservience to parents who treat them with abject disrespect. Who revile them in ways that they would not tolerate for a moment from anyone else."

This is an invitation, my friend. If we consider that you aren't a helpless victim of your life and that you chose this family of your own volition to help unleash your gifts and your highest level of ascension, then this is a GAME.

The truth is: I believe wholeheartedly that it's all a game, and, listen up, you can't win if you don't even know that you're playing.

So, yep, F your family: Forgive them.

But, remember: Forgiveness doesn't mean you continue to follow the cult's rules and expectations for who you are or how you behave. Forgiveness doesn't mean you allow abuse or disrespect or let those you've forgiven to continue to cross your boundaries. Forgiveness doesn't even mean you have to see them again...you can love them from afar, and that's okay too.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't forgive them prematurely; forgive them when you're truly ready. Forgive them when you've given yourself the time to feel through it, like really feel it in your body, be with it. To start, just stay with it as long as you can. One of my mentors, Rainbow Daniel, says to process pain in the same way you would eat a bowl of hot soup. Just take tiny sips at a time.

Forgive them because, really, they were doing the best that they could. Forgive them because you can lean on your faith (or borrow mine for a bit) that there is a greater plan for your life, and in that plan, you end this game as the absolute best version of yourself...the version of yourself that steps out of this black-and-white, three-dimensional life into a technicolor dream world. The version of yourself who is connected to pleasure and to your power and to your mission. The version of yourself that couldn't have alchemized without every moment of your horrid, wretched, heartbreaking past unfolding exactly as it did.